


My house of memories

by SpookyFaces



Category: My Chemical Romance, Panic! at the Disco, Twenty One Pilots
Genre: ADHD, Angst, Depression, Eating Disorders, Falling In Love, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Institutions, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-24
Updated: 2017-05-22
Packaged: 2018-10-10 05:50:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 14
Words: 13,072
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10430499
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SpookyFaces/pseuds/SpookyFaces
Summary: Mental institutions. What can I say? They hold the darkest secrets. Every night, these walls collect the sincere words of so many prayers,they won't fit in any church. You meet people who are darker, angrier, sadder than you.And sometimes, you fall in love.It never ends well.Trust me.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> give this fan-fiction a chance. let it occupy the smallest place in your heart. I have so much to share and give. take it all.  
> please stay safe. 
> 
> I love you.

I look around and see nothing but a disturbing, annoying white walls. I see pale faces, tired, distressed eyes and shaking fingers. I see nurses running around the hall, faking smiles. I see my mother’s mouth opening and closing, words are forming but no sound reaches my mind. I see my father shaking his head disappointedly. I know he hates this, I know he refuses to admit that his son is sick. I see a blonde doctor in front of me smiling ,showing all of her annoyingly white teeth.

“Please, sign this paper,honey.” - She hands me a piece of paper. I scramble down my surname and return it.

“Good. That’s it, say good bye to your parents and follow me when you’re ready.” 

I turn around and face my mother. Tears are rolling down her rose cheeks. She’s holding a tissue, trying to wipe them away. My mother locks me into her embrace and buries her cold nose in the crook of my neck.

“Please, take care,babe. Listen to the doctors and do what they tell you to. Oh, I love you so much.” - She whispers as I hold her. My eyes meet my father’s gaze. He tries to smile at me, but fails. 

“Good bye,son. Behave yourself.”

These are the last words I hear from my father before I’m admitted to the psych-ward. I think they describe our relationship perfectly. I know I’ve disappointed him with my whole existence. Too bad my head is full of other mess and I don’t have a space to squeeze this problem anywhere. My mother finally pulls away and steps back. I look at her one last time, then turn around and follow the nurse. I hear the door shutting behind my back. They’re gone. I am gone. 

“...You will meet your therapist tomorrow morning and have an individual session. After diner, you will join the group treatment. This way, I will show you your room. You’re a lucky guy to have such a good roommate, I’m sure you two will get along.”

I roll my eyes. I don’t need any friends. I didn’t come here to be social. I didn’t come here in the first place, it wasn’t my choice.

“Here.” - We stop in front of the door. “Room 495. You will have an emergency button in the bathroom if anything happens. Try not to prank-push it.” - She giggles. “Make yourself comfortable, I will check on you before the lights are out.” 

She walks away and I am finally left alone. I open the door. I see the room with no personality, no identity. Cold, empty walls are staring down at me. I sigh and step in. That’s when I notice a thin boy with curly hair, sitting down on the floor and reading a book. Did he even notice me? I close the door and clear my throat.

“Hello.” - He mumbles without looking up and tearing his gaze off the book.

“Uh, hi.” - I say back and throw my backpack on the empty bed.

“You’re the new guy,huh?”

“I-I guess. I’m Brendon.”

“Good. Hope you’ll be better than Pete. Pete sucked, to be honest. I’m glad he recovered and pissed off.” 

Is he even talking to me or to himself? I decide not to respond.

“Nurses will check on us in two hours. Be sure to masturbate before that, if you want to. It would be awkward if they walked in during the process. Especially Sarah, she’s too emotional for this place.” 

I stare at him with my eyes growing wide, my vocal chords are unable to produce any sound. He closes the book and approaches his bed. He falls down on it and curls up under the blanket.

“Name’s Ryan, by the way. In case you’ll have to write the speech for my funeral.” - He whispers before closing his eyes.

That’s the moment I realize I don’t belong here. 

Oh, I am so screwed.


	2. Chapter 2

"Loser."

I've never expected to wake up and hear this word as the first thing in the morning. But I am in the psych ward, nothing here is expected. I disconnect my eyelashes and spot Ryan, standing in front of my bed and staring down at me. My breath hitches as I sit up quickly and stare back with confusion filling up my eyes.

"Ex-Excuse me?" - I mumble and try to blink away dizziness. 

He shakes his head and walks away into the bathroom. I continue to stare at the spot where he stood. What the hell was this? What a beautiful way to start the day. I curse quietly and jump out of my bed. I rummage in my backpack and pull out my favorite,black hoodie, I put it on and the smell of my house crawls up in my nostrils. I exhale and shake my head. No, this is not home, this smell must not exist in here. I slide into my sweatpants and approach the window. Hello, freedom. I miss you. The bathroom door opens and reveals Ryan, his wet curls are falling down his deep,brown eyes. Not that I think he looks beautiful. No, of course no. He's wearing a huge hoodie, so I can't really understand what does his body look like. I don't really care. He approaches his bed and sits down, pulling up his knees and hugging them. He's staring at me. I look away and swallow hardly. Ryan's gaze is practically swirling holes in me.

"So, why are you here, Brendon?" - He asks finally. Is it okay to ask this question in this facility? What the hell?

"I-I um.. Well, I'm clinically diagnosed with depression and ADHD. And uh, well, this.." - I reach out my hands and show off my ruby scars on both of my wrists. I'm embarrassed. Not because of the scars,no. I'm embarrassed because I failed and now I have to explain myself every time somebody spots them. I don't really show them off. I don't know why I'm letting Ryan in. I just am. Ryan examines my scars from the distance. His gaze finally leaves my skin alone and lock on my eyes.

"Like I've said - loser." - He shrugs.

"What's that supposed to mean?!" - I snap, rolling down my sleeves.

"How could you fail,huh? Forgot to lock the doors? Got scared? Called an ambulance?" - His smirk is annoying, I want to beat the hell out of him.

"My mother came home early from her work. And that's none of your business, actually." - I mumble. Why am I explaining myself to some crazy dude? "Can I ask why the hell are you here, Ryan?" - I hiss.

"You'll see." - He whispers. 

To be honest, this guy is scaring me. What if he's a maniac psychopath? Is he going to slit my throat while I'm asleep? If so, then it's good, I'm okay with that.

"Who's your doctor?" - He breaks the silence again.

"Uh, I don't know. Yet. Today's my first appointment."

"Let's hope it's not Way. He's too sweet for his profession. He used to be my doctor in the first month, I got sick of his pretty face and nice words."

"It's good to have a conversation with nice people, isn't it? Especially after having a bad morning." - I mumble. Ryan chuckles and shakes his head.

"You're gonna like me, Brendon. Unfortunately for you, that won't end well." 

The anger fills me up and I can't stand his sarcastic face anymore. I grab my towel from the backpack and storm off into the bathroom. 

I will drown myself, or him. There's no way we'll get along.


	3. Chapter 3

“Brendon, we’ve been talking for over an hour now, and you still haven’t told me anything about yourself. Let me ask you about your hobbies.” - The red-hair doctor smiled at me. He’s the one Ryan warned me about. Gerard Way. His face is too pretty for this place, his green eyes look too innocent.

“I used to sing in high school.” - I mumble. “I was in the choir. Then I used to drum for a little bit. But now - I don’t have any hobbies.”

“Would you like to learn anything new?” 

“Yeah, I’ve always wanted to write music, but I don’t have enough talent for that.”

“Oh, I’m sure you are a very talented person, Brendon.” - Gerard smiled at me. He’s too pure for this world. Ew. “Plus, I’ve heard Ryan Ross is your roommate. He writes music sometimes. You can ask him to teach you some tricks.”

“No, I would never ask him for anything. He hates my guts.” - I tell him honestly.

“Ryan?” - The doctor laughs and shakes his head. “Oh, Brendon. Ryan doesn’t hate you. If he hated you, trust me you would be begging us to move you to another room. He had a roommate before you came in - Pete. They used to get along but after some time Ryan got sick of him. Do you know what he did? He helped Pete to recover from his trauma and helped him to leave our facility.”

I stare at him, I don’t quite understand what to answer.

“Ryan is a good guy. A bit hard to communicate with, but he’s really fragile under his sarcastic facade. He is a beautiful person if he lets you in.”

“Why is he here?” - I dare to ask.

“I’m sorry, I can’t provide you that kind of an information.” - Gerard sighs. “Le’s get back to our session..”

__

 

The diner here is not what I expected it to be. I was expecting some disgusting mashed potatoes to be served, but nope - food is really good. I sit down at one of the empty tables and look around. Patients in here scare the shit out of me. But I’m sure I scare them too. I hear somebody crashing down beside me and I roll my eyes, because I feel with guts who this might be.

“Hey-ya.” - Ryan grins.

“What do you want?” - I sigh.

“Nothing much. Wanted to see what you got.” - He starts to examine my food. I look at him. He’s still wearing that stupid,huge hoodie. A red beanie is covering his curls. He looks stupidly attractive. I notice he doesn’t have any food for himself.

“Aren’t you eating anything?” - I ask.

“Nope. Not hungry.” - He grabs an apple from my plate and starts playing with it. 

“I was planning on eating that.” - I mumble. 

“Not anymore.” 

“What the hell is your problem?!” - I snap. I feel gazes from all over the dining hall turning at me. I mumble a quite “sorry” and look down.

“I have lots of problems, Brendon. Not with you, but in general.” - Ryan’s voice gets too sad suddenly and I feel guilty.

“Don’t we all?” - I ask, locking my eyes with his huge,tired ones.

“Sure.” - He grins. His fake smiles are getting annoying.

“You don’t have to fake a smile with me. Plus, you're not really good at that.” - I shrug. His face drops. 

“Oh.” - This is all he manages to answer. I nod and get back to my food. I feel Ryan leaving his seat and for some reason I feel sad. I didn’t really want him to leave, I didn't want to upset him. But after a minute, I hear him coming back. He silently puts a new apple at my plate, the bigger one, the greener. I look up at him, surprised from his action.

“I am sorry for taking your apple,Brendon. I wasn’t going to eat it. I don’t really eat much.” - He whispered before turning around and walking out of the dining hall. 

My heart drops as I look down at the fruit. He doesn’t eat much. That’s why he wears that huge hoodie and hides his body from me. I showed him my scars, but he’s too scared to show me his body. This is sad. Ryan is sad. This whole place is sad. I grab my apple and jump from my seat, following the boy. I’m not even thinking about why I am doing this. I catch him up in the corridor, near our door. He’s walking fast, his arms hugging his body, like he’s covering himself from this world.

“Ryan!”

He stops walking and slowly turns around. He’s standing there, holding himself, confused and surprised. I approach him and grab one of his hands and put an apple on his palm. His wrist is too thin, and something breaks inside of me from realizing it. 

“Here. I hate apples. Take it. Eat it, or-or play with it, whatever.” - I step back and look at him. He’s staring at the apple. Then he looks up at me and.. Smiles. Honestly, without that stupid, fake grin. Ryan smiles and my heart misses a beat.

“Thanks, Bren.” - He whispers. My breath hitches at the nickname. 

“Anytime, Ry.” - I whisper back. He turns around and walks away, leaving me standing there, alone in the hall. 

What did I get myself into?


	4. Chapter 4

The group session is the worst. For some reason, I thought everything would be same as in “Fight club”. People hugging and patting each other’s shoulders. But hell no. This is different. You have to sit and ramble about your thoughts and problems. And I don’t have my Bob with big titties to bury myself into. So I’m sitting here, staring at the wall and have to listen to crazy people talk about crazy stuff they’ve survived. The only question in my head is: “Where’s Ryan?” He’s not here. Everyone else is.

“Brendon?” - The nurse calls my name and snaps me out of my thoughts. I look at her, confused. “Would you want to tell us anything?”

“No.” - I answer sincerely. She smiles and nods.

“Okay, I guess that’s it for today then.” - That’s all I needed to hear. I jump from my seat and am ready to take off when the nurse approaches me. “Oh, excuse me, Brendon. Could you please tell Ryan we would appreciate it if he came to any group sessions? It would really help with his progress.” - She whispers.

“Yes.. Okay,sure."  
__

I walk into our room. Wait, when did it become our room? When did I get to share something with someone? This room doesn’t belong to me, I hate and and I hate this place. So yes, I walk into Ryan’s room. I spot him on the bed, legs crossed, concentrated on the book. Another one, not the one he was reading yesterday. I raise my eyebrow and smirk. What a nerd. He looks up and shuts the book.

“Did you like it?”

“What?”

“The group session.”

“Oh. No, I hated it.” - I sit down on my bed, facing him. “The nurse asked you to come, she said it would be good for your recovery.”

“Recovery? I’m not in a recovery.” - Ryan says and shakes his head. “The nurse? Let me guess, dark hair, big eyes, cute face?”

“Yes.”

“Sarah. She’s getting annoying.” - Ryan mumbles.

I dont respond at that. 

“Can I ask you a question?” - Ryan breaks the silence in his natural way.

“Sure.” - I shrug.

“Do you want to get better, or are you here because your mom found you and freaked out?”

For a second,I don’t know what to answer. I expected him to ask about my favorite movie or music, but not this. I swallow hardly and knit my brows together. 

“I-I want to get better,I guess..”

Ryan smirks and nods.

“Good. You still have a chance to get better. Don’t let that go.”

“Do you want to get better?” - I ask back. He looks at me, brown,sad eyes are the only thing that help me to break through his ironical facade and see the real person behind it. The struggling, distressed person. He looks so thin and small I want to lock in in my embrace and save from the outer world. Wait,wait, what am I thinking about?!

“No.” - Ryan answers quietly and this little, poor “no” destroys everything I hate about him. I get up from my bed and approach his, asking for a permission to sit near him with my gaze. He gives me a small nod and I sit down. He looks at his fingers, examines them like they are the most important thing in the universe.

“Why not?” - I ask quietly. He just shrugs, still avoiding my eyes. “Don’t you want to get out of the hospital?”

“There’s nothing for me out there.” - He answers simply. 

“I am sure there’s a lot of things waiting for you, Ryan. For example, Doctor Way told me you like to write music sometimes.” - His wide eyes fly up. “Maybe you could try to-“

“What the hell?! Why the fuck does he talk about me with you?!” - Ryan hisses. I flinch away.

“No,no he doesn’t talk about you. He asked about my hobbies and I said I’ve always wanted to write music..”

“I don’t write. Not anymore. I’m done with it.” - He spits. 

“But why? Isn’t it like coping mechanism or something?”

“I have nothing to cope with!” - Ryan yells and okay, now he is scaring me. “What do I have to cope with? That I want to disappear? That I want to die? Don’t you get it, Brendon?! This is my suicide. And the thing is, nobody will walk in during the process because I’m in control! I’m not a freak, I’m not a loser like you are!” - He throws his book at the wall and jumps out of the bed, disappearing in the bathroom. 

I continue to sit on his bed,still trying to analyze what just happened. Did I push the wrong button? Does he hate me now? 

Screw it. I shut my eyes and lay down on his bed. This place, this people are sucking the life out of me. Especially Ryan. One moment he is a cute boy with a beautiful smile, and a minute after - the bastard is hysterically yelling at me. He need help. I want to help him. 

The bathroom door opens after what feels like an hour, Ryan appears in the doorframe. Sniffling, wiping his face with a sleeve of his hoodie. His face is red and I try to ignore smeared tear paths he tries so hard to hide from me.

“Sorry.” - He mumbles and nears his bed. “You mind?”

I realize I’m still lying on his bed.

“Oh my God, sorry. Sorry.” - I jump from his bed. He’s staring at me. Stop staring at me, I feel awkward. 

“I apologize for calling you a freak and loser. You’re not. You’re just unlucky.” - He whispers. Now it’s my turn to stare.

“It-It’s okay, I guess.”

That’s it. He sits on his bed, opens his book and doesn’t talk to me for the whole day. 

I think I want to get to know this boy.


	5. Chapter 5

_A friend in needs a friend indeed,_  
A friend with weed is better,  
A friend with breasts and all the rest,  
A friend who's dressed in leather. 

Thanks God they let me have my iPod in here. Brian Molko's voice crawls up inside my mind and strokes my messy thoughts as I'm laying down in my bed, trying not to think my brains away. The room is dark, curtains are drained because that's how Ryan loves them and well, I don't really complain. I'm getting used to this place and honestly, I hate it. I hate that I am already okay with being here. I don't belong here, and I keep forgetting it. It's my fifth day here. ME and Ryan haven't really interacted in last couple of days, since his mini break-down. Is he ashamed of me? Maybe he just decided I'm not worth his precious time? He doesn't say "hi" back to me in the mornings, he doesn't talk to me during the diner and lunch, he never wishes me good night. It's like I've disappeared, I no longer exist in his world. And that scares me. You know what else scares me? I've never seen him eat. I've seen him walking in and out from his doctor's room, and I hope that's where he eats. I don't want him to die. My eyes dart around the room, jumping from one wall to another. They finally stop on Ryan's bed. He's lying there, not a single sound escapes his mouth. Is he even breathing? I pause my music to listen. Am I getting crazy?! 

Yes. I am. And yes, he is breathing. But he's not sleeping. I've learned his breathing pattern in the past days. Does it mean I'm getting too obsessed? Probably no.

"You sleeping?" - I ask quietly. I hear his breath flinches. I know he knows I know he's not sleeping. Oh,that came out way too complicated.

"No." - He mumbles. 

"Oh. Okay. Just wanted to.. Well, never mind." - I shift in my bed.

"What?" - Ryan sits up and looks at me. For the first time in days, he looks at me.

"I wanted to ask if you are okay." 

His eyebrows raise from surprise. Ryan scoffs.

"What? Since when do you even care?" 

"Why would I not care? You're my roommate."

"I've never cared about my roommates."

"Is that why you helped Pete to get out of here?" - I ask.

"That's-That's not why I helped him,okay?" - He's getting annoyed,I sense it. I don't care.

"Why are you ignoring me?"

"Excuse me?!" 

"For the last couple of days. You've never said a word to me."

"Just because we have to live in one room, doesn't mean we're friends, Brendon. I haven't talked to you because I simply don't want to."

"Oh. Okay." - I cover my head with a blanket. I feel embarrassed and humiliated. Fuck me for even starting a conversation with this motherfucker. We stay silent for the next hour. I hear Ryan's bed screeching. I guess he got up and went to the bathroom. He got annoyed with me, I get it. Why can't I just stay quiet for the rest of my life?! What the hell is my problem?!

I feel somebody sitting down on my bed. I quickly look up from the blanket and am met with Ryan's chocolate eyes. He's too close for my comfort zone.

"W-What are you-"

"I am cold. Move." 

My breath stops, but I obey, on some kind of an automatic level. I shift and move away. Ryan doesn't take too much space. He crawls under my blanket and I feel the fabric of his pajama bottom's touching my legs. Bare legs, I never wear pajamas. Oops. I swallow hardly and squeeze my eyes shut. Ryan's frozen fingers interlace with mine and oh my God I've never noticed how long his fingers are. 

"Good night." - He whispers. 

Oh. My. God.


	6. Chapter 6

"Sweetie, how are you feeling? I was going to get you some apple-pie, your favorite, but the nurse said we are not allowed to bring any food here." - My mother clutches on my hands,afraid to let me go. Its not like I'll disappear or something. I think..

"And I am so sorry about your father not being here. He has a very important meeting. He's been really stressed out lately, try to understand him." - He's stressed out? i'm literally locked up in the asylum, but my dad is stressed out because of his stupid paper work. How pathetic.

"It's fine,mom."

"Are they feeding you well, Bren?"

"Yeah." - I shrug.

"How about the doctors and nurses? Do they treat you well?"

"Of course they do, mother. It's their job."

"What about your roommate?"

"Mother." - I snap. "Please. Everything is fine. I swear to you."

A sad smile is drawn on her face as she stares at me.

"I am so proud of you, baby." - She whispers, still gripping on my hands. I feel a huge ball of emotions sticking in my throat as I try to swallow. "You're doing so well. You are my pride, my beautiful boy. Oh, how I wish you knew what you mean to me. To us.." - Her voice shakes and I feel wetness on my cheeks. I let out a shaky breath and sniffle.

"Time's out." - Sarah shouts from somewhere behind my back. "Please, say your good byes." 

Mother lands a kiss on my cheek as we get up from our seats.

"Please take care,honey. You're all I have." - She whispers before leaving.

I am all she has.. And I am nothing. How disappointing. I am sorry, mom..

__

I crash down on my bed, hiding my face in the pillows as I try to quiet my sobs. I knew a meeting with my parents would not end well, it's too emotional for me to handle. Especially my mother. She is an angel. Someone I've never deserved. I've never treated her well enough. She deserves a wonderful son, not this broken, fucked up offspring that I am. I feel the cold wind stroking my back. Ryan forgot to close the window again, I guess. I hate when he does that. Ryan. I slowly turn my head to his bed. Oh, this is so embarrassing. Ryan's sitting on his bed, eyes focused on the book he is holding. It's like he did not even notice me. I try to read the title through the blur of my tears. "The master and Margarita." 

"This is my mother's favorite book." - I say, my voice is too hoarse to be used. I realize Ryan saw me crying and sobbing, but I don't give a damn. He hums in response, his eyes still glued at the paper. "I've never been into books, to be honest. But my mom used to read to me. A lot. She always talked about that novel. She said that Bulgakov had a beautiful writing skills and no matter how many times you read that book, you'll always find something new."

"This my sixth time." - Ryan mumbles. I stare at him like a lost puppy. 

"Impressive." - Is all I can manage. He sighs and closes the book before looking up at me.

"Why are you weeping?" - He asks with this monotone voice that I begun to hate already.

"I am not." - I sniffle and wipe my face with the sleeve of my hoodie. Ryan raises his eyebrow and smirks.

"Yeah, right."

"There's no need to be a complete dick all the time, do you know?" - I snap at him. 

"There's no need to be a complete emotional wreck too, Brendon." - He answers instantly with a cold tone. This words send shivers down my spine. I sit up, holding my pillow close to my chest and stare at him.

"That's why I am here. That's why we all are here, you idiot. Because we are messed up and wrecked." 

"Not me." - Ryan shrugs.

"Yeah right, you're here because you can't fucking eat like a normal person and look like a walking skeleton." - I hiss. 

That was a lie,actually. Ryan was thin, very thin. But he did not look like a skeleton. He looked beautiful. He was beautiful. I regret the words the second they leave my mouth. Ryan looks down at his shaking fingers. 

"Yes,Brendon. That's exactly why I'm here." - He says quietly and my heart breaks. No,no, I did not mean to upset you. I am sorry, can't you hear me mentally apologizing to you?! 

I look down as well, guilt filling up my chest. 

"My mother visited me today. It was.. Emotional. And cheesy. I am sorry for saying those words. You don't look like a skeleton." - I mumble,still afraid to lift my eyes and face him.

"That's okay. I guess it's true. Everybody sees that. Everybody, except me. I still think I am not thin enough.."

There he goes, opening his heart to me. I am a complete dick, Ry. I am hurting you, I don't deserve a friend like you. I quickly leave my bed and sit down next to him. My fingers search for his long,slender ones and they interlace together. Ryan looks down at our hands. 

"I think you are beautiful." - I say and feel the blush appearing on my face. Oh, damn it. 

Ryan smiles. With that amazing, kind smile of his. 

"What did your mom say?" - He asks after a minute of an awkward silence.

"Nothing much. She said how much she misses me and wants me to be okay. Oh, and that my dad's been stressed out lately, that's why he doesn't visit me." 

"Do you want him to visit you?" - Ryan looks up at me, his huge, brown eyes locking with mine.

"No. I don't really care about that."

We stay silent for the next minutes.

"Do your parents visit you?" - I ask finally. 

"No." 

My heart breaks again.

"Why not?"

"My father died a year ago from alcohol poisoning. And I am not really on good terms with my mother. She hates my guts." 

"Fuck,I am sorry.." - I mumble, unable to think of other words. Ryan finally pulls his hand away and gets up from the bed.

"I am going for a walk." 

"I'm com-"

"Alone." - He says. 

"Oh. Okay." - I choke out. 

Ryan turns on his heel and disappears in the doorframe. How do I manage to fuck everything up all the time?!


	7. Chapter 7

"Okay, Brendon. Have you been getting any dark thoughts these days?" - Doctor Way doesn't look up at me from his papers. The clock is tik-toking above me and I want to smash in to pieces.

"Dark thoughts? You mean if I've been suicidal?"

"Yes."

"Well, um, not so much." - I mumble and scratch my neck. 

"Good." - He scribbles down something and finally looks up at me. "You're doing really good, Brendon." - He smiles at me, his green eyes light up. He's unbelievably handsome. Too handsome for me. Not my type, to be honest. I prefer emotionally messed up boys with complicated thoughts and bags under their eyes. Yeah, you've guessed who I'm talking about. 

"I'm trying." - I shrug in the answer. I lie. I don't really care about getting better. 

"I am really glad. We have a progress. Unfortunately, not everyone in this facility does get to the point of some progress.." - Gerard's eyes fall down to the floor. I sigh and nod. I know he's talking about Ryan. 

"I want to help him." - I tell my doctor. 

"This is wonderful, Brendon. But, Ryan hasn't been accepting any of our help since he got here. He barely eats, and that is not good for him."

"Yes, but I-I can try to share my food with him. Talk him through it." - I mumble. 

"You can try." - Way smiles and nods at me. 

Yes, I can try.

__

"Do you think these trees in the yard are older then your soul?" - Ryan asks me, staring out from the window. His questions surprise me sometimes. I look up at him from my iPod (yes, they let me have it and listen to some music, thanks universe.)

"I don't believe in souls." - I admit. His eyes leave the window and lock with mine. 

"Your life must be so pathetic. You don't believe in soul, so you think you'll just stop existing after you die? " - My brows knit together.

"Yes, that's what I think."

He stares at me for a moment. Then his eyebrows raise and eyes get wide. 

"Wait so.. When you,um.." - He nodded towards my hands. He's talking about my suicide attempt. "You-You wanted to disappear? You did not even hope you'd get into the better place?" - His voice is sad. 

Well.. I haven't thought about it. 

"Yeah, I guess.." - I shrug. 

"Oh." - He frowns. "That's.. Messed up."

"I know. But, as you can see, I failed. Maybe it's some kind of a second chance."

"And you got to spend your second chance here? Like I've said. Pathetic." - I hate the dick-guy he turns into sometimes. But I have to agree with him. It is pathetic. I glance down at my iPod and check time.

"You coming to diner?" - I ask, like it's nothing. Like it's not what Ryan hates most. 

"No."

"I don't really want to go there alone.." - I mumble. 

"Why not?"

"I don't know. People here, they.. Scare me. I don't want to eat alone."

Ryan sighs and whispers a quiet "okay" to me.

__

I take a bite of my pie and look at Ryan. He's shifting in his seat, anxiously tugging the sleeves of his sweater. I wipe my mouth and clear my throat.

"Want some?"

"No." - He barks and flinches away from me.

"Just one bit-"

"I said no. Is that why you dragged me here? To force-feed me? I bet Way told you to do so." - His voice is shaking. I drop the pie at my plate and sit near him, cupping his cheeks. He's trembling violently.

"Hey, hey Ry, look at me." - Ryan's eyes dart from one place to another, unable to focus on anything. "It's okay. I am sorry I brought you here. Ry, you need to breath.."

"I haven't eaten in four days." - He spits. "Sarah says they will put me on 24-hour monitoring and feed me with tubes. I don't want to be fed, I am scared of tubes and needles." - Tears gather up in his eyes. He looks like lost, scared child and it breaks my heart.

"Okay, we won't let him take you, Ry." - I lock him in my embrace and bury my nose in his neck, inhaling his smell. He smells like peaches. "But you will have to eat to prevent that."

"No,no,no.." - He shakes his head. I glance at nurses at the corners of the dining hall and shake my head, signaling them to let me handle it.

"Yes,yes.." - I pull away and look down his eyes. "Just a little, Ry. Maybe..Maybe an apple?" - I grab a fruit from my plate. "Please?"

His breathing steadies a little, but he's still shaking. 

"Please, Ry. For me. Five bites.." 

"O-Okay." - He whispers and curls his long fingers around an apple.

"Good.." - I mumble as he takes his first bite. I look up at Sarah, who's staring at us, her eyes wide from the surprise. Ryan is eating. 

He looks smaller than he already is. He is scared of the simple action, like chewing and swallowing the food. He's this sassy dickhead one minute, and then a moment after he breaks down and craves my protection from the whole world. It breaks my heart.

"I've got you, Ry.." - I smile at him. He sniffles and wipes the tear paths with a sleeve of his sweater. " I won't let anyone hurt you. I will protect you."

He takes another bite. And another. And another. 

I look around and my eyes lock with a boy in the furthest corner. Tyler, I think that's his name. Schizophrenic, Ryan once told me. He smiles at me and hold up his thumb. This is the first time I see him smile, with his dimples showing. And this is the first time I see Ryan eat. I thank the universe for it. I thank the universe for Ryan, for my second chance. 

My second chance looks up at me with his huge, chocolate doe eyes and damn..

I'm losing my mind..


	8. Chapter 8

I hate to admit this, but I started to like this place. Especially the garden on the backyard. It is a best place to walk and rest your mind because well, your mind will need to be rested from this place from time to time. I sit down on the bench and look around. Too bad I can't smoke here. I'm pretty much sure I'll quit by the time I leave this place, because they aren't letting us keep cigarettes. I feel somebody sitting down beside me. I quickly turn my head and meet the smiley face, brow fluffy hair and.. Dimples.

"Hi." - Tyler grins at me.

"Oh, hey. Tyler, right? I'm Brendon." 

"Yeah. But you can call me anything you want to." - The boy shrugged. "How are you?"

How am I? Good question.

"I'm-I'm okay, thanks. You?"

"Have you tried those chocolate cupcakes they served today?" - Tyler ignores my question. This is strange. But I am getting used to strange things.

"No, not really. But I plan to. Are they good?"

"I don't know. Oh, I saw you helped your friend with his problem. He doesn't eat, like ever. And you-you did a good job. Yeah."

"Thanks, Tyler. I just.. Everybody needs a helping hand sometimes." - I mumble.

"Do you have a helping hand?" - Tyler stares at me with his chocolate-brown eyes. 

"I-I guess?" - I think of my family. Friends, even Ryan. Yeah, I have people who are helping me. "You?"

Tyler suddenly leads forward and whispers quietly.

"I have Josh."

"Josh?"

"He's my friend. My best friend. He's beautiful. He changes his hair color almost every week, isn't it amazing? And he loves drumming, he loves rain and he-he loves me. And I love him. He is kind and gentle and loves kittens. He is like a kitten. Soft and.. And his hair is curly and messy, I like it very much. But he gets sad sometimes, and I can't do anything about it.." 

Tyler rambles about his friend, waving his hands and darting his eyes from one spot to another. Is he even talking to me?

"That's.. Good. Very good. I would like to meet him one day."

"Thant's an excellent idea!" - Tyler exclaims. "I like you, Brendon. I think you're a good person. So I will share my friend with you." - The boy smiles at me. 

Would I ever imagine I'd be sitting on the bench of the mental hospital,making friends with wide smiles and pretty dimples?

__

 

It's raining. Heavily. I'm lying on my bed,staring up at the window above me. Ryan is reading, of course. I love the silence we share. It's and understanding silence. A comfortable one. 

"Northern downpour." - Ryan mumbles quietly. 

"I met Tyler today." - I tell Ryan, not taring a gaze from the window.

"Good." - He responds. I'm pretty sure he doesn't care, but I have to talk with someone. I need it.

"He seems like a good guy. We've talked for a while. He told me about this friend of his, Josh. I think he's in this facility too. Tyler told me he would love to introduce us." - I ramble. I hear Ryan sigh. I turn my head to face him. He has shut his book and is staring down at his fingers now.

"What?" 

"Nothing." 

"Ryan, don't lie to me."

"Fuck off,man." - Ryan says. "I said it's nothing."

I sit up on my bed and clear my throat.

"Tell me what's wrong or I won't talk with you."

Ryan laughed at this.

"It is impossible for you to keep your mouth shut for more than ten minutes, Brendon."

"Well I-I'll try." - I knit my brows together. He sighs and shakes his head.

"I don't want you have any friends in here." - Ryan announces.

"Excuse me?" - My eyes go wide from these words.

"You heard me. This place is poisonous. The less connection you have with it - better for you." 

"But I want to have friends. I want to get to know those people.."

"You have me. I am your friend, ain't I?" - Ryan looks at me.

"You-You are. But-"

"So I'm not enough?" - He smirks.

"What? No, no I did not sat that."

"Then what is it?"

"Ryan, for fuck's sake!" - I snap. "I want to have friends in here, okay? And I don't see anything wrong with it. Tyler, for example, he's a good person, I think. His mental illness doesn't define him. Neither does yours or mine. We're here because we're messed up, and in this mess we fucking help each-other,okay?!"

Ryan's staring at me with his eyes wide and lips parted. He looks lost for words. Good.

"Okay." - He finally whispers, after minutes of a torturing silence. 

"Okay?"

"Yeah. I don't care. Be friends with whoever the fuck you want." - Ryan turns away from me, facing the wall.

"Are-Are you mad at me?" - I ask quietly.

"No, I don't care."

"You do.. But.. Look, why don't you come with me the next tie I talk to Tyler? Or when I meet Josh?"

"Josh is not real, Brendon!" - Ryan yells at me suddenly. "Tyler's schizophrenic, he has an imaginary friend. Josh, colorful hair,rain and kittens. I know,okay? I've already heard about it!"

I can't stop a quiet gasp escaping my lungs. How did not I realize it? 

"Tyler was my friend. When I first got here.. He used to tell about Josh, how he wanted me to meet this wonderful friend of his. We were friends, good friends. And then Sarah told me.. Josh is not real. He lives in Tyler's head. And he did not need anyone but Josh. Not even me. I had another friend,thou. His name was Spencer. He was amazing. He lived in this room, before Pete. He was the kindest person of all. Do you know where he is now? Dead. He killed himself. He jumped from that fucking window you were staring at. This place is not the best to make friends, Brendon. Nobody is sane in here. It's a rare occasion when somebody gets out alive from this shit hole." - Ryan breathes heavily. I stare at him, unable to respond. I am processing everything. Tyler - mad, Josh - not real, Spencer - dead.. 

"So yeah. That's why I did now want you to have any friends in here. That's why I did not want to be your friend in a first place." 

"I'm sorry." - I finally say.

"For what?"

"Spener. Tyler. Everything. I am sorry." - I hug my knees and rest my chin on them. "But I am not leaving you. If you're afraid that I.. I won't. I'm not going anywhere."

Ryan swallows hardly.

"Yeah. Okay. Good." - He mumbles before lying down and turning away from me.


	9. Chapter 9

Living is hard. Living is so fucking hard. You have to wake up every day, get up from your bed and prepare yourself for the new day. And it doesn't matter that you never wanted the new day to come in the first place. It just does, and there's nothing you can change. So, if living is hard, why can't dying be easy? Why can't you just decide one day to stop breathing and stop existing? Why can't I get buried 6 feet deep when I crave it so much? Why did they have to save me?

Another tear rolls down my face and I wipe it before it can wet the pillow underneath my cheek. My eyes stare at my own wrist, pink scars stretched on them. My prove. My prove that I've tried. My prove that dying is hard too. This is so unfair. 

When I was a small boy, a girl from my neighborhood wanted to be an English teacher. She talked about it all day, how she wished to educate others. Guess what? She became a teacher. My brother wanted to become a doctor. Well, he is. So why the hell can't I wish to be dead and be fucking dead?!

"Don't tell me you're thinking about what I think." - I hear a loud sigh. I look up from my wrists and spot Ryan sitting on his bed, elbows rested on his knees and staring up at me. How did I not notice him before? This boy should work as a government spy.

"M' not thinking 'bout anything." - I mumble and wipe my face. 

"Sure." - He smirks at me.

"Do you enjoy watching people breaking down in front of you or you have nothing else to do?" - I snap.

"This place is boring." - Ryan shrugs. "I try to entertain myself."

"Does this seem entertaining for you?" - I point at my teary face.

"Not really." - He shakes his head.

"You do really belong in lunatic asylum."

He looks up at me, curls are falling down on his eyes.

"Oh, and you don't? Lying down here, thinking about a easy way out. Pathetic."

"Will you stop calling me that?!" - I yell at him. "Yes, I am pathetic. I want to die and I'm-I'm angry they did not let me! But look at yourself, Ryan. Don't you think you're pathetic too? Scared to touch the fucking food and getting panic attacks from the sight of diner hall." - I laugh ironically and shake my head, "You're just as pathetic as I am."

Ryan stares at me. His face doesn't show any kind of emotion. I wished for him to be angry, hurt because of my words. But he's just.. Blank.

"You done?" - He asks finally.

"Yes, I'm fucking done." - I turn to the other side, trying to avoid his stare.

"Good. Hope it helped you." - I hear his bed screeching and after a moment, the door of our bedroom shuts, leaving me alone with my thoughts and regrets.

_

I walk down the white hall, hugging my own body, trying to curl up on myself and look as small as I feel. I pass dozens of doors, dozens of histories behind them, dozens of crazy minds and broken brains. I finally approach the diner hall and quickly examine it with my gaze. I spot Tyler sitting on one of the tables, enjoying his yogurt and next to him.. Ryan. My eyes go wide instantly. I approach them and sit down without any words.

"Hey, Brendon!" - Tyler smiles and waves at me. "Ryan decided to join us today. Crazy, right?!"

"You don't get to talk about crazy." - Ryan mumbles, looking down at his lap. "How's Josh,Ty?" - He asks and God, I want to punch this asshole.

"Oh, good. He dyed his hair again!" - Tyler grins. "It really suits him."

Ryan nods and smiles. As soon as Tyler looks away from us, I nudge Ryan's shoulder. He hisses and looks up at me confused.

"What the hell?!"

"What are you doing here?" - I ask, with my voice dead serious.

"I'm here to eat." 

"Yeah, right. And where's your food?" - I raise my eyebrow and smirk.

"I-I haven't picked it ye

"So? What are you waiting for? Go on, pick anything." - Ryan stares at me with those huge, doe eyes of him. He looks scared. But I don't really care. God, I'm so mad at him. "I'll help you. What about a cake? With chocolate chip, look at it, Ry! It must be so delicious, and so full of calories! Or, maybe chicken? Greasy, isn't it? Or-Or maybe mashed potatoes with some sauce? What, you're scared? Come on, it's just a food! Oh, sorry,my bad, I forgot you're fucking anorexic psycho, It's so-"

"Brendon!" - A small voice interrupts me. I look up to see Tyler looking at me, brows furrowed. My eyes leave his angry face to look at Ryan.

He's shaking. Staring down at his fingers again, his body trembling. His breathing is messed up. Rapid, short breaths leave his lungs. Guilt instantly fills me up. What the hell is wrong with me. I try to touch his shoulder.

"Hey, Ry, I-"

"D-Don't touch me." - He looks up at me with teary eyes, hate painted all over his face. Oh, he-he hates me.

"I didn't mean to-"

"Shut up!" - He screams, covering his ears with trembling hands. He lets out a broken sob. In a second, three nurses gather around our table. I spot a needle in their hands.

"No, no, please don't-" - I mumble to them.

"I said shut up!" - Ryan flies up to his feet, eyes furiously darting from one place to another. "Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!" - He yells. Everybody's staring at him now. 

"Jenna, we need to sedate him." - I hear one of the nurses whisper to another.

"No!" - I shout and try to stop them but before I even get up, a strong pair of arms wraps around Ryan's thin shoulders, pinning him down at place.

"Let me go!!" - Ryan bawls, his brown curls falling down at his face. "Let me fucking go!!"

"Jenna, needle. Now!" - The nurse commands. I see another pair of hands holding Ryan as the sharp needle breaks the skin on his pale neck.

"No! Please, I beg you!" - Ryan sobs, his voice getting smaller. "I-I'm sorry, please let me g-go.." - His gaze is getting unfocused and after a moment his eyes shut, body becoming limp and heavy in nurses' arms.

I jump to my feet and quickly walk away from the dining hall, not being able to take it anymore.

_What have I done? What have I done? I'm a monster, a fucking monster. I hurt him, how could I hurt him? How could I do it?!_

I run to my bedroom and shut the door behind my back, sliding down to my knees. 

I'm a fucking monster.


	10. Chapter 10

I hear Ryan's quiet breaths and snores. He's fallen asleep and I know it because I've learned his breathing pattern too well now, and God, it sounds creepy. I've returned from my session with Doctor Way two hours ago and Ryan hasn't said a word to me. He was laying down on his bed, facing a wall, eyes shut.. But I know he was not sleeping before. I know he's been avoiding me. I know he hates me, and that is understandable. I am a monster. Ryan didn't deserve go get a panic attack because of my bitter words. Words are knives and often leave scars. I hope Ryan's scars will heal eventually. I don't want him to hate my guts. I think he is the only human being, along with my mom, whom I care about.. Why do I care about him?! I wish I knew how to control my thoughts and feelings. But then, I'm sure I wouldn't be here if I could..

I sit up in my bed, leaning on my elbows and stare at his bed through the darkness covering everything around us. I wish he could read my mind, I wish I could share my emotions with him. _Regret, regret, regret.._

"Ryan?" - I ask, whisper even. Purposely, I think. It's not meant to be heard by him. - "Fuck, Ry, I'm so sorry." 

I shake my head disappointedly and sigh.

"I'm such a dick, God.. I don't even know why I craved to hurt you so much. Something washed over me.. It's like I-I've stopped being myself for a minute.. I wish you knew how I regret everything.." - I continue to whisper shakily, as the huge ball of emotions starts to choke me. I swallow gathered sobs and bury them deep in my chest. 

"You did not deserve any of it.. I hope you can forgive me.."

I hear a quiet sniff. My heart misses a beat as I raise more in the bed and try to see Ryan.

"Ry, are you crying?" - I ask.

Another sniff. I curse under my breath and kick off the blanket, quickly jumping to my feet and approaching Ryan's bed. I can see him now. Curled up on himself, palms covering his face, body shaking. I kneel beside his bed, lowering to his level.

"Hey.. No,please, please don't cry.. I'm a monster, I know I'm a monster... I've hurt you so much and, fuck.." - I feel lost for words. So I just trust my body and let it do the rest.. My thumb gently brushes his bony cheeks. I feel him flinching under my touch, but he doesn't move away. I wipe the tears paths and smile sadly at him. 

"Will you forgive me?" - I ask softly.

"Yes.." - I hear the quiet, broken whisper. I can't stop the sigh full of relief from leaving my lungs.

"Thank you. Fuck, thank you so much." - I smile stupidly. And I swear to God, I saw him smiling too. "C-Can you move a little? I'm really cold." - I ask, scratching my neck awkwardly.

"Yeah, s-sure." - He moves away, emptying a place for me. I quickly crawl under the covers and he locks his long arms around my chest. 

Wow. I feel safe. For the first time in years.

"Bren?"

"Hm?"

"Please don't die.."

Something stings in my heart. Something, that I thought was already gone. Hope.

"I won't. If you promise me the same." - I remember Ryan's words about his disappearing. About his slow suicide. 

"I hate myself." - He admits quietly, and I feel his tears rolling into my neck. "I hate everything. I hate this body, this mind, this.. Hell, I wish I could just cut off my limbs so I could see the number on the scales getting lower and lower.. I feel disgusting. Even when I do nothing but think about food. I want to take a fucking knife and dig it into my stomach, spilling out every single fat molecule. I wish I could burn to ashes all those calories.. God, Brendon, I'm such a wreck.." - His whisper grows into sobs. 

My fingers grip on his wrists as he shakes and trembles from crying.

"You are beautiful." - I tell him when his breathing steadies. "I wish you could see that. But you're disappearing.. And I won't survive losing you."

He stays quiet. I turn on my side, my face inches away from his. Suddenly, instead of giving me a proper respond, I feel Ryan's chapped, cold lips brushing against my jaw. I suck in the breath and freeze. His lips slowly make their way and finally lock with mine. For three seconds. For three God damn seconds. His tongue pushes itself inside of my mouth and slightly touches the tip of my tongue before Ryan pulls away.

I can't breath properly. I just lay here, staring up at him with my eyes wide and lips parted.

"To disappear. That's the whole purpose." - He whispers before turning his back to me. After a moment, his breathing slows down and the room drowns in silence once again.

_That's the purpose._

Maybe I could never see the purpose in staying alive. But right now, in this second, I see it and I am fucking clutching onto that. 

Save this boy from himself. Save Ryan Ross.


	11. Chapter 11

I try not to stare. I try not to spill out all of my questions, I really do try. But it's so hard. I was sitting on my own on this stupid bench, under this stupid tree in the yard of this stupid hospital. I was okay with sitting alone. But no, Ryan had to come up and sit beside me, without saying anything. He crosses his ankles and leans back, eyes going up at the sky. I end up staring, damn it. I can't help myself. The way his long, thick eyelashes barely touch his cheeks when he blinks is too fascinating not to stare.

My conversation with Doctor Way this morning crawls up in my mind.  
__

_"Brendon, are you getting along with Ryan?" - Red-head asks, twisting a pen between his fingers, his gaze concentrated on my face. I swallow hardly._

_"Uh, yes? I guess. Why? Is he-Has he said anything about me?"_

_"No. Ryan barely opens up on out sessions." - He shrugs. "But I've heard what happened in cafeteria the other day."_

_My stomach drops and I look down, guilt filling up my chest. They now I'm a monster. They all know._

_"Do you feel guilty because of that?" - Gerard's soft voice asks me._

_"Yes, yes I do." - I nod._

_"Doctor Orzechowski suggested to move you to another room.."_

_"No!" - I look up at him, eyes growing wide. "No, please, you can't do that."_

_"You don't want to?" - Gerard's brow raises._

_"No. Ryan. He needs me. I-I need him."_

_I see a hint of a smile on doctor's face._

_"Can I ask you something?" - I whisper._

_"Yes?"_

_"Can you tell my why-uh.. Can you tell me about Ryan?"_

_"You want me to share an information about my other patient with you?"_

_"I know it's wrong and forbidden, but I want to help him and I-"_

_"Brendon.." - Red-head smiles. He pushes his chair close to the couch I'm sitting on and clears his throat. "I can't tell you anything about Ryan, unless he wants me to. I think it will be better if you ask him. I am really sorry."_

_"He won't tell me anything." - I mumble._

_"He will. He trusts you, Brendon. You are important to him. And that is all I can tell you."_

"Hey, are you okay?" - I ask finally, after I've gathered up all my force and energy. Ryan blinks and mumbles something I can't really understand. 

"What?"

"My mother visited me today."

My heart misses a beat. I've know Ryan for almost a month and he never talked about his family, especially his mother. He told me she hated him, and that's it.

"Oh." - I choke. "Um, how did it go?"

"Bad. I made sure of it."

"What do you mean?"

"I hate her. She's the reason I am here. I blame her, for everything."

My brows knit together from confusion. Ryan finally tears his eyes off the sky and looks at me. He shifts then, moving closer to me. 

"What, you want me to spill my tragic childhood stories to you?" - He asks with a smirk, his eyes cold and distant.

"Well, I-I wouldn't mind. If you want, of course.."

"Why do you even care?" - He asks confused. Not in dramatic, emotional way, like people usually do while sobbing and craving attention. Ryan's just confused and curious. He just wants to know why I care. 

"I just - I care. About, um, you." - My voice gets small and quiet. Ryan's eyes soften for a moment. He licks his lips and looks away.

"Okay." 

"O-Okay?" - He looks at me and smiles. Oh, he smiles. Damn that smile. I try really hard not to start drooling at the sight.

" Well.. I don't even know how to start. My father, he.. Well, he was an alcoholic. All his pathetic life, he's been drinking his pain, sorrow, even happiness away. And then he.. He often lost control. Of everything. He used to hit my mother. And-and me. We had bruises all over our bodies.. But when I grew up, I started to fight back, to hit back. And that made him even more furious. One day, I came home from school and saw my mother bleeding on the floor. He throw a fucking vase at her. She had cuts all over her body and I.." - Ryan's voice cracks. 

"I lost control too. I guess his genes woke up in me. And I started to hit him. Again and again. I wanted to kill him, and I swear I would.. But my mother. She was too pathetic. She was too scared. She begged me to stop. And I did.. I stopped. And that's when my father decided to beat the hell out of me too.. I don't remember anything after that. But I remember waking up in ER, ribs broken and with concussion. My mother said I fell down the stairs. Fucking stairs.. She did not stop him.. She let him beat me till my bones broke and my consciousness slipped away.."

I stare at Ryan with my eyes wide. I feel something warm streaming down my cheeks. I know what that is.

"That's when I realized. I want to take as small place in this world as I can. I want to be small, thin, invisible. And finally, I want to disappear. Because the smaller I am - the less damage I can take.. Then he died. I found him on the couch, dead and cold.. He was gone, but I couldn't stop after that.." - He laughs bitterly and shakes his head. 

"That's it. The story of pathetic Ryan Ross." - He finally looks up at me and his eyes become sad the second he notices my tears. 

"Hey, no, don't cry. I-I don't really deserve it." - Ryan's hand gently wiped the tear paths from my face. He smiles then, and tilts his head to the side.

"Your turn."

"W-What?"

"You've heard my story. I want to hear yours."

I stare at him, unable to say anything. And then.. Then I shake my head. Violently. I mumble quiet "no"-s. Ryan's face drops, his eyes fill up with concern and fear.

"Brendon.." - He whispers, but I continue to shake my head. 

"No, no, no.."

"Brendon, stop."

"I have to go." - I jump to my feet and take off, without looking back. Everything happens too fast. My heart breaks as I realize what have I done. I let Ryan open up to me and left him. Once again, I am a monster. After running for almost ten minutes, I stop. I spot Tyler sitting alone on the ground. I approach him and sit down beside him, crossing my legs.

"Hey, Bren." - Tyler smiles at me. Then he rambles about his day, but I simply block his voice out of my mind. I think about Ryan. What a coward I am. I ran away. God, I hate myself.


	12. Chapter 12

I am ashamed. God, I am so embarrassed. I ran away from Ryan and now I'm hiding in the bathroom, curled up under the sink. But this is our bathroom. And eventually, Ryan will walk in here. Our doors don't have any locks, because well, we are all crazy here. I don't really know what to say to him. Why did I ran? I don't know. Was I afraid? Maybe. Maybe I was afraid to open up, to tell my story. Maybe I was afraid, because I didn't want Ryan to think I'm pathetic. 

"Damn it." - I mumble and get on my feet. I wipe tear paths from my face and open the door, stepping out into our room. I freeze as a small gasp leaves my mouth. Ryan is sitting on his bed, reading one of his favorite books. He's been here, for the whole time. He's been here and he never tried to find me, or talk to me. I clear my throat and approach him.

Ryan's eyes leave the page and he looks up at me, confused.

"Yes?"

"I am sorry." - I choke. His brows knit together.

"Why are you apologizing?"

"I ran away." - I sit down beside him, but he moves away from me. And fuck, it hurts. "I-I asked you to tell me your story and then ran away. That was a lame move. Pathetic,even."

"You're pathetic, Brendon. That's not the news." - Ryan sighs and goes back to reading his book. My heart sinks. His words cut through my body. _I am pathetic._

"You hate me, don't you?" - I whisper and look down at my fingers.

"Yes, Brendon, I hate you. That's why I told you something no one else knows. You're so smart." - Ryan snaps, throwing his book away. "Why are you-fuck, why are you like this?!" - He shouts at me.

I'm unable to respond. My vocal chord give up and I'm just sitting here, staring at him with wide eyes and lips parted.

"You think I am a fucking monster,don't you? A heartless piece of shit, a scumbag, fucking psycho who-"

"Ryan!" - I finally manage to whimper. He stops rambling. I dare to touch his shoulder and he doesn't flinch away, thanks God. "Hey, I-I don't-I would never think any of that about you. I swear. I think you're amazing and caring and-"

"Stop, for fuck's sake." - He lets out a broken laugh and shakes his head. "I don't need your pity."

"That's not-"

"Are you scared? Am I scary?" - He asks quietly, and my heart breaks. He looks so vulnerable, hurt even..

"No.. God, no."

"Then why did you ran from me?" 

I sigh at this.

"I don't know. Or, maybe I do.. I just-"

"You don't owe me, Bren." - He whispers. "Just because I told you all that stuff.."

"It started in high school." - I say too quickly.

"Huh?"

"It all started in high school. Typical, I know. I was never bullied, tho. I was this right, perfect kid every teacher and student loved. You know, the guy that has all straight A's and is ready to help everyone else with their grades. After-school activities, piano lessons.. The pride of the school. It was hard, so fucking hard. It was too much for me. I always knew the skins that wrapped my frame wasn't made to play this game. I am not perfect, I never was.. And in high school, it just.. It got too hard for me. I was trying but.. Sometimes I could even leave my bed. And once had lasted for two weeks. That's when my mom took me to the doctor. And I got labeled - Depressed Kid.. Everything changed after that. Nobody looked at me the same way they used to. From the highest level of social ladder I fell down with a crash of bones... Nothing was the same. My grades dropped, my friends disappeared.. Even my family turned their backs on me. I realized I loved boys, not girls. I decided to come out to my parents. My dad never spoke to me after that.. Do you imagine? Four years passed, and he has never said a word to me.." 

I stop and look down at my arm, where cuts hide under the fabric of my sweater. 

"One night, it got too unbearable. Thoughts, dark and heavy, they occupied my mind and I-I couldn't hide from them.. My dad is a doctor, he always keeps his instruments at home.. So I sneaked into his cabinet, stole a scalpel from his kit and.." - That's when my voice finally cracks. I swallow hardly. 

"My mother found me. Laying in the empty bathtub,bleeding out. Didn't even turn on the hot water, I'm such an idiot.." - I shake my head. "My father stopped the bleeding before we got to the hospital.. Thanks God I was unconscious and didn't have to look him in the eyes.. So,yeah.. That's how I ended up here. Pathetic and lonely."

I finally dare to look up at the curly boy sitting beside me. He's staring at the wall in front of us. And I doubt he even heard the half of what I was saying. He must be so disappointed, disgusted. I am disgusting, I get it. 

"Ryan?" - I manage to crack. Suddenly, his lips quiver. He breathes in sharply and in a second, his slender arms lock around my body. My face is met with his warm chest. I feel his long fingers running through my hair.

"I am so sorry. I am so so sorry. Fuck, I am sorry.." - He whispers as his tears fall down. "I am sorry everything's so fucked up.."

"Please don't cry.." - I say, burying my nose deeper into his chest. God, I love his smell.

"I wish I could help you." - He continues. "But I can't even help myself. But you-"

He pulls away and looks me in the eyes, hands cupping my face.

"You have to promise you'll never do or think about doing that again. Understand?!" - His voice is full of anger. "Fight, or I swear to God I'll never talk to you again."

This sounds so childish. You can't cure someone with a threat of never talking to them again. But right now.. I feel safe. So safe.

"Okay." - I whisper.

"Okay?" - He asks shakily.

"Okay." - I nod. He locks me again in his embrace and rests his cheek on the top of my head. 

"Okay.." - He whispers, rocking bot of us back and forth. "Okay.."


	13. Chapter 13

At first, me and Ryan were strangers. Then, me an Ryan became enemies. After, me and Ryan were roommates. And now, me and Ryan are friends. We are each-other's courage. Ryan holds my hand when we walk into the dining hall. I hold his hand when dark thoughts crawl inside my mind. I hold him, when his brain convinces him that he has gained some weight. He holds me when I want to stop existing. Simple as that. We hold each-other, and we hold onto each-other.

My sessions with Doctor Way became shorter. I started to open up, to tell him more about me and my thoughts. It's helping me, and I would have never thought. Gerard told me we have a progress. I am proud of myself, to be honest. And my mom is proud,too. And.. And Ryan. He's so proud of me. 

But, even though I'm getting better. I think Ryan's condition is worsening. He doesn't touch a food. I doubt he even drinks water. And it scares me. I've tried talking to him, but he avoids it. And I don't want him to start avoiding me too. So I've stopped asking. 

We're lying on the floor in our bedroom. I play with his fingers while he's humming some soft melodies for me. Today his fingers are shaking harder than ever. I lift them to my lips and kiss them. Ryan stops singing. I feel his gaze swirling holes on me.

"Bren.." - He whispers. I continue to kiss his hands, arms, palms. "Bren, hey.."

This snaps me out of the action. He sits up and slowly cups my face with his trembling hands. I look up at him.

"Hi.." - I whisper.

"You're pretty." - Ryan smiles. My heart misses a beat. Pretty? Am I? He leans down and places a small kiss on my forehead. He pulls away, but not too far. His lips are still touching my skin, I can feel his breathing with every molecule. 

"I want to kiss you." - He mouths.

"Please." - I whimper quietly. In a second, my lips get locked with his hot ones. I feel the blood boiling inside of me as our lips move in unison. His hands fly up to my hair, tugging and clutching on it. I part my lips and let his tongue slide in. I can't control myself. Ryan moans quietly into my mouth and this is it. This is the last string. His hands pin me down to the place, his lips disconnect from mine. He goes down to my neck, kissing,biting, sucking. I gasp. I can't fucking breath as he goes down, and down, and down.

"Take off your clothes." - I whisper breathlessly. He shakes his head, still kissing my chest. "Please. Please take them off. I need to.. Please, don't hide from me."

He pulls away and stares at me. His pupils are wide, lips swollen and red. Oh my fucking God. 

Then he slowly takes off his hoodie. I try hard not to gasp at the sight. Clavicles sticking out, I can count his ribs, I can see his fucking sternum.

"Oh, Ry.." - I crack. His eyes fill up with distress and sadness. "Come here."

He lays down on the floor and I crawl above him. He stares up at me, scared, like a kitten.

"I am not going to hurt you. I'm going to take care of you." - I mumble and place small kisses all over his face and body. "I am going to make it better."

"Kiss me.." - Ryan whispers.

I connect our lips once again, as my hands run up and down his bare chest. Then I pull away for a second, only to take off my own sweater and reveal ugly, ugly scars on my arms. But I don't care about them. Ryan's the only thing filling up my mind right now.

"You're so pretty." - He says once again and his breath tickles my skin. "Bed." - He orders.

I get up on my feet, dragging him up with me, still not pulling away. His nails dig into my back as my tongue pushes itself deeper into his mouth. My head is spinning, heart hammering. I am stumbling on every step as I walk backwards to the bed. 

Suddenly, Ryan pulls away, barely catching his breath.

"Stop.." - He breathes. I still pull forward, trying to bring back his lips. 

"No, no, B-Bren.."

I stop. My brows knit together as I stare at him, breathing heavily.

"You don't want me?" - I ask quietly.

"It's not.. I do, of c-course, I just.." - Ryan closes his eyes and shakes his head. 

"Ry?"

"I don't feel well." - He cracks. That's when I notice. His hands are shaking violently, his face and lips are pale.

"Hey, what-what's wrong?" - I ask, gripping his forearms.

"E-Everything is spinning. And th-there are spots.."

"Spots?" - I panic. What is he talking about? 

His knees buckle underneath him and he falls to the ground, dragging me down with him.

"Ryan!" - I shout and cup his face. "Hey, concentrate on my voice, okay?!”

"I c-can't.." - He whispers.

"No, hey, please, stay awake.. Shit!" - I curse. His body becomes limp in my arms suddenly. I catch him and he leans on my chest. 

"I've got you. It's okay, I've got you." - I mumble.

"HELP!" - I sob. "SARAH! SOMEBODY, PLEASE!"

After minute of my desperate screams, the door flew open and nurses rushed in. 

Ryan got taken away from me.

I am left alone. I am scared..


	14. Chapter 14

I run my fingers through my messy hair and sigh. It's been two hours. Two hours and I know nothing about Ryan's condition. Will he be okay? Is it something serious? Is he hurt? I'm just sitting on this stupid chair in this stupid hallway and waiting. I glance up at the clocks on the wall. Every minute stretches like a fucking eternity. I want to see him, I want to talk to him, ask if he's okay. Fuck this stupid facility. I hear the door opening and shutting behind me. I quickly fly up to my feet and am met with Sarah's concerned face.

"How is he?" - I crack.

"Stable. You don't have to worry, Brendon. We can't let you get triggered,right?" - I roll my eyes at this. "He's okay now. You can even see him. He collapsed because he hadn't eaten in four days. Did you know this, Brendon?" - She asks me.

"N-No. No, I did not." 

I swallow hardly. Something stings inside of my chest. Ryan stopped eating. Again. 

"Okay. Go in, but you can't stay for too long." - Sarah opens the door and steps out of the way. I smile at her (try to smile) and walk into the room. 

My eyes quickly examine the surroundings. White walls, white floor, white bed, white curtains. White,white,white. How can a color, so pure and bright, feel so disgusting right now? I push a chair near the bed and fall down on it. I finally lift my eyes to look at Ryan. He looks pale, so fucking pale. His lips are chapped and he looks even thinner than he is. And that is really thin. I gently stroke a strand of his hair away from his face and sigh. Ryan’s eyelids stir for a second. He slowly opens his eyes and looks up at me. First, his gaze is unfocused and lost, but after a moment, relief washes over his face and I see a hint of smile stretching on his lips. 

“Bren..”

“Hey, RyRo.” - I smile down at him. “How are you feeling?”

“Strange..” - Ryan furrows his brows. “Everything is spinning and this headache won’t go away.”

“It’s okay.” - I assure him. “It will pass soon.”

“Yeah..” - He whispers.

“You’ve really scared me, Ry.” - I admit quietly. Guilt builds up in his eyes as he looks down at his hands.

“I’m sorry.” - He mumbles.

“Don’t apologize. It’s just.. Sarah said you haven’t eaten in four days,Ry. Is it-Is it true?”

Ryan nods silently. 

“Fuck..” - I sigh. The anger fills me up from the inside. “This is so wrong, you could end up dead, Ryan..” 

“I know.” - He whispers.

“You know? And-And you’re okay with that? You’re okay with dying?!” - My voice raises a little, but Ryan doesn’t even lit his eyes to look at me. Instead, he continues to stare down at his hands resting in his lap.

“Look at me.” - I plead. He looks up slowly, eyes meeting mine. “You’re okay with leaving me?” - My voice cracks at the end.

Something flashed in his eyes. Realization? Pain? I can’t name it. But after a moment, tears gather up in Ryan’s eyes. My brows knit together as I lean down and softly lock him into my embrace. I feel his body wrecking from quiet sobs. 

“Please,don’t cry..” - I whisper into his hair. “I am sorry.. I shouldn’t have-“

“It is stronger than me,Bren..” - Ryan sobs. “This thing in my brain.. It’s so much stronger. It tells me to stop eating, it tells my that I need to be thinner, to feel thinner. It’s never enough, I’m never satisfied..”

“It’s not stronger than me.” - I cup his face and look into his eyes. “I’m stronger,Ry. I am not going to sit and let you ruin yourself. I need you,okay? You keep me sane in this insanity. You-You keep me fucking alive,okay?!” - I feel my own voice starting to shake.

Ryan nods, tears still sliding down his face. 

“We’re going to make it better. Me and you.”

I know it’s a lie. I know you can’t love someone from their illness. You can’t cure someone with love,no mater how hard you try. Mental illnesses don’t work like that. Maybe you can cure sickness or temperature by keeping yourself warm, but mental illness is a lot more complicated and messed up. Love can’t cure it. But it can help you to go through everything. Love gives you the strength to fight, a power to believe in yourself. 

Love. I can’t believe I’m using this word because of Ryan, the boy who hated me from the first day. Ryan freaking Ross. The boy I love.

“Bren?” - I get snapped out of my thoughts. I look down at Ryan, who’s leaning on my chest.

“Yeah?”

“Do you think we’ll get out of here? Like,ever?” 

“Of course,Ry. Of course we will. We’ll get out of here and we’ll rent a flat together. You still want me to be your roommate when we’re out,right?”

“Of course.”

“So that’s what we’ll do. We’ll move in together. We’ll write songs, music. We’ll live our lives,Ry. We will be okay.”

I hear Ryan’s sigh. He doesn’t respond.

I doubt he believes in this.

I doubt I believe in this.


End file.
